AGNOSTICISM

I always took my family’s lack of religious beliefs as indication of a lack of moral commitment, but now I’m starting to wonder if aggressive agnosticism is a belief system in its own right. Perhaps my father has given me more of a religious upbringing than I thought. I present these - not unlike the theses of Martin Luther – the tenets of what my people believe:

• Oh we just sometimes meet for coffee on Tuesdays. It’s not an official thing. We usually just go to that Starbucks on Grand, but that’s just because the parking’s right there. Is there somewhere else you’d like to go? Seriously…don’t call or anything if you can’t make it. We’ll see you when we see you.

• The Mel Gibson movie? I didn’t see it….I don’t know. I don’t think that’s really for me. But whatever. Let me know what you think if you see it. Are you going to Netflix it? Well, okay…maybe I should add it to my queue.

• We just call it Christmas break. I think the school listings are calling it Holiday Break. I’m not sure. Same idea.

• Didn’t get the plane tickets. I don’t know…might go next year. I should check with Triple A sometime to see if they have a deal going. Oh no….we didn’t bother with the flight school. Well, it was kind of expensive and I didn’t know if I could commit to *every* Tuesday and Thursday night, so…yeah. It was going to be hard to get everyone together, flying at the same time to the same target. So, I don’t know….we might just send an angry letter instead or something.

• Pork’s fine. Maybe not too much. Personally, I don’t like a lot of salty meat. But sometimes I do, you know?

GOOD DAY TO YOU AGAIN, SIR

Good day to you sir. I should ask you to help me with a financial matter in which you could hold an abundance of money for me. My accounts of one thousand dollars ($1000) need to be held in an American account so that we can remove it from my country, Nigeria.

Now that I think of it, I’m not sure how we’d actually do this. Maybe we could do it with Paypal? I don’t know. I’ve only used it for ebay, but I guess you can pay for things through that. Do you know anyone who’s used it? I mean, in a non-Ebay way? I don’t want you to have to pay a fee, though. I think it might have that.
I’d swear I heard that somewhere. You know….I just don’t know. I’m just kind of talking out my ass with that one.

Oh okay. Turns out if the transaction is for $100 or less, then there’s no fee. Let’s just do that, then. You could hold $65 (100 minus the fee) and then we’ll transfer the rest over. Maybe I should open an account?

Actually, duh, why don’t I just open the account? That way you won’t be bothered and I can just take care of it. I totally didn’t think of that. If I open an account, then *I* can just transfer my family’s money over. God, I always make things more difficult than they need to be. Why do I do that?

They don’t have much information about opening an account on their website. God, that’s so frustrating! And I’m Nigerian! I mean, not that I’d have more of a problem with that than a non-Nigerian. I’m not racist! Or nationalist. Or whatever. It’s just a difficult interface. I think I’ve got it now, though. My user name is nigerianguy42. I think I just sent you an email notification. Is that okay? You might check your spam folder to see if it went there. I’m sorry…god, this has turned out to be such a hassle. I totally owe you one.

Okay, so...in conclusion: I’ll open a Paypal account and put $100 of my money in there and transfer them to my own bank account. I guess...yeah, I guess I can do this myself. Jesus...sorry. Why did I have to bother you with this. I’m sorry. Do you need any cash?

FUNNY OBSERVATIONAL HUMOR

So I was talking to a couple of friends and the Kevin Bacon/Six Degrees of Separation game came up. One guy said he went to school with someone who was in a Kevin Bacon movie, so he was two degrees of separation away. The other guy said: "Well, I saw a Kevin Bacon movie once, so that makes me one degree". But I have them both beat:

I murdered Kevin Bacon.

That's right: I have a score of -1 degrees of separation.

LARRY CRAIG IS NOT GAY

Reporter: Senator Craig?
Craig: Not gay.
Reporter: Do you believe it’s possible for the United States to come up with a plan for withdrawing from Iraq that will please both political parties, not to mention the general public?
Craig: I think so, but I’m not gay. It’s going to be a difficult time for us in Washington unless we can reach some sort of understanding. Do not enjoy balls.


Clerk: Did you find everything okay?
Craig: Oh yeah…just fine. Straight and heterosexual.
Clerk: Okay….your total will be $24.37.
Craig: Not gay.
Clerk: Is that credit or debit?
Craig: Debit. I love pussy.
Clerk: Go ahead and press “okay”.
Craig: Right here?
Clerk: Uh-huh….yep.
Craig: Boobies.


Waitress: Are you ready to order?
Craig: Yes, I’ll have the seafood salad. I enjoy lots of sex with women.
Waitress: Seafood salad….and as a side dish?
Craig: Not gay. Could I get that with an extra side order of rice? My mind filled with images of breasts.
Waitress: Certainly. Have you thought about what you what to drink with the entrée?
Craig: I’ll have the merlot. My penis is erect at the thought of vaginas. Not other penises…vaginas.
Waitress: I can bring your salad right out.
Craig: Have not seen “Brokeback Mountain”.


Craig: Did you pay the cable bill? Not enjoying the firm embrace of an athlete’s arms.
Mrs. Craig: [stares off into space] Yes.
Craig: I can’t remember if I sent them a check or not. I guess worse comes to worse, we’ll have a credit on the account. Absence of sweaty muscle men wrestling from my brain.
Mrs. Craig: [pours drink, continues staring]

GOOD DAY TO YOU, SIR

Hello Sir. Allow me permission to be introduce myself. I am Christopher Petersen of Ann Arbor Michigan and I would ask your help. I came to you because your profile suggests the courage of much honorability.

My family is in a terriblizing crisis and our assets have been frozen. I am the only child alive, heir to the Petersen fortune, worth much, much Money. My father is in needitude of an account reclaimed. This is a Savings Account (in a Bank) containing well over two million of your American Dollars USD ($150.00).

I am stuendidously seeking your assistance in the following ways: (1) To provide a Bank Account into which this gimoxous amount of money would be transferred to . (2) To serve as a guardian of this fund since I am only thirty-seven (22) years of old. For you trambaculous efforts, i am willing to offer you 15% (twelve) of the total sum as compensatology after the successful transfer of this fund into your nominized account overseaslicious.

Were you to exonoblate us with your most feentobulourized efforts, we could do nothing but flinerate you and your honor, Sir. Your honestitude is full of esteemery and reputablopolisness. I conblobortate you, Sir. Glapenspiezel.

Yoursicide,
Christoberry Pederwandybatty

EASY ETHICAL DILEMMAS

You’re at a sandwich shop and have to choose between turkey reuben or a veggie special. You know that Hitler, were he alive today, would probably ask what the soup of the day is. Do you get a beverage?

On a desert island are: a flare gun, a grand piano, and a copy of The Bible. “CSI” is on at the same time as “Heroes”. Which do you watch?

You have a choice between saving a six-year-old girl from a burning building and watching “Six Feet Under” on DVD. Your feet hurt. Do you like potpourri?

That one woman at the mall – the one who works at that weird craft stand in front of the Gap – is fat. Don’t you think so?

Your elderly neighbor has a bad hip, but her sidewalk needs clearing today. This would conflict with a play being put on by the local elementary school. Oh wait….you know what? That’s next week. Forget it. No problem.

A SMALL BREAK FROM THE COMEDY

This may be removed later...this is the trailer for Paul Thomas Anderson's new movie "There Will Be Blood". I'm posting it because I think it's probably the finest trailer I've ever seen and posting it seems like the best reward I can give it.



Comedy will return later.