Reporter: Senator Craig?
Craig: Not gay.
Reporter: Do you believe it’s possible for the United States to come up with a plan for withdrawing from Iraq that will please both political parties, not to mention the general public?
Craig: I think so, but I’m not gay. It’s going to be a difficult time for us in Washington unless we can reach some sort of understanding. Do not enjoy balls.
Clerk: Did you find everything okay?
Craig: Oh yeah…just fine. Straight and heterosexual.
Clerk: Okay….your total will be $24.37.
Craig: Not gay.
Clerk: Is that credit or debit?
Craig: Debit. I love pussy.
Clerk: Go ahead and press “okay”.
Craig: Right here?
Clerk: Uh-huh….yep.
Craig: Boobies.
Waitress: Are you ready to order?
Craig: Yes, I’ll have the seafood salad. I enjoy lots of sex with women.
Waitress: Seafood salad….and as a side dish?
Craig: Not gay. Could I get that with an extra side order of rice? My mind filled with images of breasts.
Waitress: Certainly. Have you thought about what you what to drink with the entrée?
Craig: I’ll have the merlot. My penis is erect at the thought of vaginas. Not other penises…vaginas.
Waitress: I can bring your salad right out.
Craig: Have not seen “Brokeback Mountain”.
Craig: Did you pay the cable bill? Not enjoying the firm embrace of an athlete’s arms.
Mrs. Craig: [stares off into space] Yes.
Craig: I can’t remember if I sent them a check or not. I guess worse comes to worse, we’ll have a credit on the account. Absence of sweaty muscle men wrestling from my brain.
Mrs. Craig: [pours drink, continues staring]
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
GOOD DAY TO YOU, SIR
Hello Sir. Allow me permission to be introduce myself. I am Christopher Petersen of Ann Arbor Michigan and I would ask your help. I came to you because your profile suggests the courage of much honorability.
My family is in a terriblizing crisis and our assets have been frozen. I am the only child alive, heir to the Petersen fortune, worth much, much Money. My father is in needitude of an account reclaimed. This is a Savings Account (in a Bank) containing well over two million of your American Dollars USD ($150.00).
I am stuendidously seeking your assistance in the following ways: (1) To provide a Bank Account into which this gimoxous amount of money would be transferred to . (2) To serve as a guardian of this fund since I am only thirty-seven (22) years of old. For you trambaculous efforts, i am willing to offer you 15% (twelve) of the total sum as compensatology after the successful transfer of this fund into your nominized account overseaslicious.
Were you to exonoblate us with your most feentobulourized efforts, we could do nothing but flinerate you and your honor, Sir. Your honestitude is full of esteemery and reputablopolisness. I conblobortate you, Sir. Glapenspiezel.
Yoursicide,
Christoberry Pederwandybatty
My family is in a terriblizing crisis and our assets have been frozen. I am the only child alive, heir to the Petersen fortune, worth much, much Money. My father is in needitude of an account reclaimed. This is a Savings Account (in a Bank) containing well over two million of your American Dollars USD ($150.00).
I am stuendidously seeking your assistance in the following ways: (1) To provide a Bank Account into which this gimoxous amount of money would be transferred to . (2) To serve as a guardian of this fund since I am only thirty-seven (22) years of old. For you trambaculous efforts, i am willing to offer you 15% (twelve) of the total sum as compensatology after the successful transfer of this fund into your nominized account overseaslicious.
Were you to exonoblate us with your most feentobulourized efforts, we could do nothing but flinerate you and your honor, Sir. Your honestitude is full of esteemery and reputablopolisness. I conblobortate you, Sir. Glapenspiezel.
Yoursicide,
Christoberry Pederwandybatty
Sunday, September 23, 2007
EASY ETHICAL DILEMMAS
You’re at a sandwich shop and have to choose between turkey reuben or a veggie special. You know that Hitler, were he alive today, would probably ask what the soup of the day is. Do you get a beverage?
On a desert island are: a flare gun, a grand piano, and a copy of The Bible. “CSI” is on at the same time as “Heroes”. Which do you watch?
You have a choice between saving a six-year-old girl from a burning building and watching “Six Feet Under” on DVD. Your feet hurt. Do you like potpourri?
That one woman at the mall – the one who works at that weird craft stand in front of the Gap – is fat. Don’t you think so?
Your elderly neighbor has a bad hip, but her sidewalk needs clearing today. This would conflict with a play being put on by the local elementary school. Oh wait….you know what? That’s next week. Forget it. No problem.
On a desert island are: a flare gun, a grand piano, and a copy of The Bible. “CSI” is on at the same time as “Heroes”. Which do you watch?
You have a choice between saving a six-year-old girl from a burning building and watching “Six Feet Under” on DVD. Your feet hurt. Do you like potpourri?
That one woman at the mall – the one who works at that weird craft stand in front of the Gap – is fat. Don’t you think so?
Your elderly neighbor has a bad hip, but her sidewalk needs clearing today. This would conflict with a play being put on by the local elementary school. Oh wait….you know what? That’s next week. Forget it. No problem.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
A SMALL BREAK FROM THE COMEDY
This may be removed later...this is the trailer for Paul Thomas Anderson's new movie "There Will Be Blood". I'm posting it because I think it's probably the finest trailer I've ever seen and posting it seems like the best reward I can give it.
Comedy will return later.
Comedy will return later.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
PARTIAL TRANSCRIPT OF MY RECENT APPEARANCE ON ‘INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO’
James Lipton: Next was your appearance as Dame Judi Dench in the film “Berlin Alexanderplatz”.
Me: Umm…I was not in that. Also, I don’t think Judi Dench was a….
JL: I think there are a number of our students who would love to have a visit from Dame Judy…
Me: I didn’t play….
[crowd applauds]
Sigh. [in character] BEEP BOOP BOOP BEEP!
[crowd applauds wildly]
Thank you! This one….here. [points to Lipton] You forced me to it! You! [jokingly shakes finger at Lipton. Lipton covers face with hands and makes ‘peekaboo’ gesture.]
JL: Ahhhh!
Me: Eeee-ooooh!
JL: Wooooga!
Me: Gnip gnop!
JL: You played Senator Darth Vader in the TV series “The Mary Tyler Moore Show”.
Me: Not a lot of people know that! You’ve been doing your homework.
JL: Could we hear a little bit from Darth Vader?
Me: [old man voice]“I think I just pooped.”
JL: No, in the voice. The Senator Vader voice…
Me: [high pitched voice with southern accent] “I THINK I JUST POOPED.”
[applause from crowd]
JL: Next you were to appear in one of your most understated roles….that of the 16th Amendment to the United States Constitution in “Weekend at Bernies 2”
[applause of recognition]
Me: I find that I select the roles that force me to reach back into my childhood….find that little boy inside and ask him: where do you keep the brown rice? The answer always comes back through the him: it’s in one of those green canisters…the ones I got at Pier One.
JL: I think that little boy would be proud.
Me: Yes [tears up]. Yes, he would be.
JL: Or confused.
Me: Yes, very confused. Because he’s inside me. And I’m not that big. There’s no room. He’s screaming in my torso.
JL: [nods]
Me: Umm…I was not in that. Also, I don’t think Judi Dench was a….
JL: I think there are a number of our students who would love to have a visit from Dame Judy…
Me: I didn’t play….
[crowd applauds]
Sigh. [in character] BEEP BOOP BOOP BEEP!
[crowd applauds wildly]
Thank you! This one….here. [points to Lipton] You forced me to it! You! [jokingly shakes finger at Lipton. Lipton covers face with hands and makes ‘peekaboo’ gesture.]
JL: Ahhhh!
Me: Eeee-ooooh!
JL: Wooooga!
Me: Gnip gnop!
JL: You played Senator Darth Vader in the TV series “The Mary Tyler Moore Show”.
Me: Not a lot of people know that! You’ve been doing your homework.
JL: Could we hear a little bit from Darth Vader?
Me: [old man voice]“I think I just pooped.”
JL: No, in the voice. The Senator Vader voice…
Me: [high pitched voice with southern accent] “I THINK I JUST POOPED.”
[applause from crowd]
JL: Next you were to appear in one of your most understated roles….that of the 16th Amendment to the United States Constitution in “Weekend at Bernies 2”
[applause of recognition]
Me: I find that I select the roles that force me to reach back into my childhood….find that little boy inside and ask him: where do you keep the brown rice? The answer always comes back through the him: it’s in one of those green canisters…the ones I got at Pier One.
JL: I think that little boy would be proud.
Me: Yes [tears up]. Yes, he would be.
JL: Or confused.
Me: Yes, very confused. Because he’s inside me. And I’m not that big. There’s no room. He’s screaming in my torso.
JL: [nods]
Friday, July 13, 2007
MC LINEAR THINKING
Ain’t no party like a Cone of Fear party. Because it’s not possible for another party to be *exactly* like a Cone of Fear party down to the sub-atomic level. Even if you duplicated the people, the place, all of the activities, through some fantastic cloning device, it would still diverge wildly due to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.
My rhymes are tight. That’s because I take the sound of the word at the end of one sentence and end my next sentence with a word with the same phoneme. It doesn’t have to be an exact match, though. You can fudge it a little bit, using your ear, and it’ll still work.
I’ve got mad bling. Why? I started saving at a very early age and put my money into a high-yield savings account. Now I put my savings into aggressive mutual funds. The salary from my job is pretty good, too, so I have quite a bit of money coming in.
Where my dogs at? They're in the backyard playing. I have a puggle and a chug.
Let’s get this party started. I will run to the store to pick up some beer and snacks. After that, I will call some friends over. Perhaps we will watch TV.
My rhymes are tight. That’s because I take the sound of the word at the end of one sentence and end my next sentence with a word with the same phoneme. It doesn’t have to be an exact match, though. You can fudge it a little bit, using your ear, and it’ll still work.
I’ve got mad bling. Why? I started saving at a very early age and put my money into a high-yield savings account. Now I put my savings into aggressive mutual funds. The salary from my job is pretty good, too, so I have quite a bit of money coming in.
Where my dogs at? They're in the backyard playing. I have a puggle and a chug.
Let’s get this party started. I will run to the store to pick up some beer and snacks. After that, I will call some friends over. Perhaps we will watch TV.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
AIDS AND YOU: FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: Will you sign my cast “AIDS”?
A: Ahh…no, no that’s not….wait, you don’t have a cast…
Q: I have a laptop computer and I haven’t caught AIDS yet. Why is that?
A: Well [laughs], that’s not how….where did you get that idea? Who told you that?
Q: Isn’t it true that you can get AIDS from a box of spaghetti?
A: No, and no one – anywhere – believes that you can.
Q: Bob Newhart?
A: That is barely, *barely* a question.
Q: Sorry….Bob Newhart?
A: [staring intently for five minutes, picking at fingernails]
Q: Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! And yet, I’m a little teapot. How do you explain that?
A: You don’t know anything whatsoever.
Q: If AIDS is spelled with a capital “7”, why do we pronounce it “bananas”?
A: I can’t…I can’t even answer any question that uses any of the same words you just did…
Q: When I get AIDS, will I have to change my name to “Steve”?
A: If I could hit you in the eyes with hammers controlled by my brain, I would.
Q: AIDS is a disease, and yet Wednesday is double-stamp day at my coffeshop. Why?
A: Seriously, I want you to be sodomized with five large cars. And then I want to hit you with a bear.
Q: AIDS?
A: Just….yeah, just fuck you.
A: Ahh…no, no that’s not….wait, you don’t have a cast…
Q: I have a laptop computer and I haven’t caught AIDS yet. Why is that?
A: Well [laughs], that’s not how….where did you get that idea? Who told you that?
Q: Isn’t it true that you can get AIDS from a box of spaghetti?
A: No, and no one – anywhere – believes that you can.
Q: Bob Newhart?
A: That is barely, *barely* a question.
Q: Sorry….Bob Newhart?
A: [staring intently for five minutes, picking at fingernails]
Q: Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! And yet, I’m a little teapot. How do you explain that?
A: You don’t know anything whatsoever.
Q: If AIDS is spelled with a capital “7”, why do we pronounce it “bananas”?
A: I can’t…I can’t even answer any question that uses any of the same words you just did…
Q: When I get AIDS, will I have to change my name to “Steve”?
A: If I could hit you in the eyes with hammers controlled by my brain, I would.
Q: AIDS is a disease, and yet Wednesday is double-stamp day at my coffeshop. Why?
A: Seriously, I want you to be sodomized with five large cars. And then I want to hit you with a bear.
Q: AIDS?
A: Just….yeah, just fuck you.
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