I AM NOT A DOCTOR

Me: What you’ll want to do is try and favor the other spleen.
Patient: Wait, what….what do you mean?
Me: (laughs) I know. But remember: there’s no “I” in “headrush”.
Patient: What the hell’s wrong with you? I’m just getting a blood test!
Me: There’s no “I” in “eyelid”.
Patient: (sighs) I don’t…wait, there is….I mean…
Me: There’s no “I” in “iiiiiiiiyeeeeeeeee”.
Patient: Excuse me…

Me: Hey, do you like the Muppets?
Patient: Umm…yeah, I guess so. Why?
Me: You have cancer.

Me: Fuck you.
Patient: What?!!
Me: Yeah, what’s with that? Anyway…can you cough for me? Good….

Me: [cries hysterically]
Patient: What? Are you okay?
Me: YOU DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHAT I’M ABOUT!
Patient: Umm….okay. Maybe…
Me: Hey! You wanna play some Ultimate?
Patient: [silent]

FUNNY OBSERVATIONAL HUMOR #4

This is kind of a quandry that I want to put to everyone: what do you do when a friend's six-week-old baby starts making racist comments? I know.....*awkward*....

[work in progress] I'M ON MY LAST NERVE WITH YOU

You did say the copy place on Maple, correct? You could not have meant Maple, as there is no copy place on Maple street anywhere. There was once….Swifty Copies was on Maple in the middle of the block, where a real estate office is now, but that hasn’t been there since 1997. Is this what you were thinking of? I do not think so, for that would means you would have confused past with present. Is that what you did? You were thinking it was 1997. It is not. It is 2007 and that is why you said the copy place on Maple. You are in the wrong time, or else you do not remember what time it is. If you want, I will tell you all of the events in the world from the past ten years. This will help you become acclimatized to the present.
But we’ll get to that later.
So you wanted me to pick up your order at “that” copy place supposedly on Maple….WITH the caveats I said previously. You understand that this is not possible anymore, correct? I can explain it to you again if you do not understand. It is not the year 1997 anymore, nor any year previous to that. How in this God’s Earth could I pick up your order at Swifty Copies when for the love of God it doesn’t exist anymore? Jesus Godamn Christ, you certainly make completely unreasonable requests.

[work in progress] WHY I DON'T WRITE SPAM ANYMORE

Want to give her more sexual pleasure? You can become the man you’ve always wanted to be. Increased penis size will give her more pleasure. Or it should. I guess it would at least contribute to her pleasure. I don’t know. I hear that most women say that penis size doesn’t matter. Well, not *length* so much…apparently width can make a big difference, which makes sense when you think about it. But of course the most important thing is *communication*! But, you know, the bigger penis couldn’t hurt.

Great investment opportunity! It’s true. Pioneer Vanguards is a fantastic investment future. Of course, any investment involves some risk. I mean, I can’t say for sure that you won’t lose money. I’m not a fortune teller! But it seems good…yeah, I think it’s pretty good. But geez….the market! So hard to predict….well, you can’t predict it. Or else everyone would be rich! Ha ha! Do you have money to spare for this? If you have extra money to risk, I think you should go for it.

Cum hungry nurses want to hear from you. Seriously, you should totally contact them. It’s so easy to think “oh, they’re so pretty and I bet they get hit on all the time, so I shouldn’t even try”. But you know, even pretty girls get lonely. And I could see where cum-hungry girls are maybe a little more lonely than most. Maybe they’re love hungry, too? I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t even know these girls. But I mean, what do you have to lose? Yeah, you should contact them. Oh, hey…can you do it through this email? I get some money every time someone does, so…you know. Thanks.