AGNOSTICISM

I always took my family’s lack of religious beliefs as indication of a lack of moral commitment, but now I’m starting to wonder if aggressive agnosticism is a belief system in its own right. Perhaps my father has given me more of a religious upbringing than I thought. I present these - not unlike the theses of Martin Luther – the tenets of what my people believe:

• Oh we just sometimes meet for coffee on Tuesdays. It’s not an official thing. We usually just go to that Starbucks on Grand, but that’s just because the parking’s right there. Is there somewhere else you’d like to go? Seriously…don’t call or anything if you can’t make it. We’ll see you when we see you.

• The Mel Gibson movie? I didn’t see it….I don’t know. I don’t think that’s really for me. But whatever. Let me know what you think if you see it. Are you going to Netflix it? Well, okay…maybe I should add it to my queue.

• We just call it Christmas break. I think the school listings are calling it Holiday Break. I’m not sure. Same idea.

• Didn’t get the plane tickets. I don’t know…might go next year. I should check with Triple A sometime to see if they have a deal going. Oh no….we didn’t bother with the flight school. Well, it was kind of expensive and I didn’t know if I could commit to *every* Tuesday and Thursday night, so…yeah. It was going to be hard to get everyone together, flying at the same time to the same target. So, I don’t know….we might just send an angry letter instead or something.

• Pork’s fine. Maybe not too much. Personally, I don’t like a lot of salty meat. But sometimes I do, you know?

GOOD DAY TO YOU AGAIN, SIR

Good day to you sir. I should ask you to help me with a financial matter in which you could hold an abundance of money for me. My accounts of one thousand dollars ($1000) need to be held in an American account so that we can remove it from my country, Nigeria.

Now that I think of it, I’m not sure how we’d actually do this. Maybe we could do it with Paypal? I don’t know. I’ve only used it for ebay, but I guess you can pay for things through that. Do you know anyone who’s used it? I mean, in a non-Ebay way? I don’t want you to have to pay a fee, though. I think it might have that.
I’d swear I heard that somewhere. You know….I just don’t know. I’m just kind of talking out my ass with that one.

Oh okay. Turns out if the transaction is for $100 or less, then there’s no fee. Let’s just do that, then. You could hold $65 (100 minus the fee) and then we’ll transfer the rest over. Maybe I should open an account?

Actually, duh, why don’t I just open the account? That way you won’t be bothered and I can just take care of it. I totally didn’t think of that. If I open an account, then *I* can just transfer my family’s money over. God, I always make things more difficult than they need to be. Why do I do that?

They don’t have much information about opening an account on their website. God, that’s so frustrating! And I’m Nigerian! I mean, not that I’d have more of a problem with that than a non-Nigerian. I’m not racist! Or nationalist. Or whatever. It’s just a difficult interface. I think I’ve got it now, though. My user name is nigerianguy42. I think I just sent you an email notification. Is that okay? You might check your spam folder to see if it went there. I’m sorry…god, this has turned out to be such a hassle. I totally owe you one.

Okay, so...in conclusion: I’ll open a Paypal account and put $100 of my money in there and transfer them to my own bank account. I guess...yeah, I guess I can do this myself. Jesus...sorry. Why did I have to bother you with this. I’m sorry. Do you need any cash?

FUNNY OBSERVATIONAL HUMOR

So I was talking to a couple of friends and the Kevin Bacon/Six Degrees of Separation game came up. One guy said he went to school with someone who was in a Kevin Bacon movie, so he was two degrees of separation away. The other guy said: "Well, I saw a Kevin Bacon movie once, so that makes me one degree". But I have them both beat:

I murdered Kevin Bacon.

That's right: I have a score of -1 degrees of separation.

LARRY CRAIG IS NOT GAY

Reporter: Senator Craig?
Craig: Not gay.
Reporter: Do you believe it’s possible for the United States to come up with a plan for withdrawing from Iraq that will please both political parties, not to mention the general public?
Craig: I think so, but I’m not gay. It’s going to be a difficult time for us in Washington unless we can reach some sort of understanding. Do not enjoy balls.


Clerk: Did you find everything okay?
Craig: Oh yeah…just fine. Straight and heterosexual.
Clerk: Okay….your total will be $24.37.
Craig: Not gay.
Clerk: Is that credit or debit?
Craig: Debit. I love pussy.
Clerk: Go ahead and press “okay”.
Craig: Right here?
Clerk: Uh-huh….yep.
Craig: Boobies.


Waitress: Are you ready to order?
Craig: Yes, I’ll have the seafood salad. I enjoy lots of sex with women.
Waitress: Seafood salad….and as a side dish?
Craig: Not gay. Could I get that with an extra side order of rice? My mind filled with images of breasts.
Waitress: Certainly. Have you thought about what you what to drink with the entrée?
Craig: I’ll have the merlot. My penis is erect at the thought of vaginas. Not other penises…vaginas.
Waitress: I can bring your salad right out.
Craig: Have not seen “Brokeback Mountain”.


Craig: Did you pay the cable bill? Not enjoying the firm embrace of an athlete’s arms.
Mrs. Craig: [stares off into space] Yes.
Craig: I can’t remember if I sent them a check or not. I guess worse comes to worse, we’ll have a credit on the account. Absence of sweaty muscle men wrestling from my brain.
Mrs. Craig: [pours drink, continues staring]

GOOD DAY TO YOU, SIR

Hello Sir. Allow me permission to be introduce myself. I am Christopher Petersen of Ann Arbor Michigan and I would ask your help. I came to you because your profile suggests the courage of much honorability.

My family is in a terriblizing crisis and our assets have been frozen. I am the only child alive, heir to the Petersen fortune, worth much, much Money. My father is in needitude of an account reclaimed. This is a Savings Account (in a Bank) containing well over two million of your American Dollars USD ($150.00).

I am stuendidously seeking your assistance in the following ways: (1) To provide a Bank Account into which this gimoxous amount of money would be transferred to . (2) To serve as a guardian of this fund since I am only thirty-seven (22) years of old. For you trambaculous efforts, i am willing to offer you 15% (twelve) of the total sum as compensatology after the successful transfer of this fund into your nominized account overseaslicious.

Were you to exonoblate us with your most feentobulourized efforts, we could do nothing but flinerate you and your honor, Sir. Your honestitude is full of esteemery and reputablopolisness. I conblobortate you, Sir. Glapenspiezel.

Yoursicide,
Christoberry Pederwandybatty

EASY ETHICAL DILEMMAS

You’re at a sandwich shop and have to choose between turkey reuben or a veggie special. You know that Hitler, were he alive today, would probably ask what the soup of the day is. Do you get a beverage?

On a desert island are: a flare gun, a grand piano, and a copy of The Bible. “CSI” is on at the same time as “Heroes”. Which do you watch?

You have a choice between saving a six-year-old girl from a burning building and watching “Six Feet Under” on DVD. Your feet hurt. Do you like potpourri?

That one woman at the mall – the one who works at that weird craft stand in front of the Gap – is fat. Don’t you think so?

Your elderly neighbor has a bad hip, but her sidewalk needs clearing today. This would conflict with a play being put on by the local elementary school. Oh wait….you know what? That’s next week. Forget it. No problem.

A SMALL BREAK FROM THE COMEDY

This may be removed later...this is the trailer for Paul Thomas Anderson's new movie "There Will Be Blood". I'm posting it because I think it's probably the finest trailer I've ever seen and posting it seems like the best reward I can give it.



Comedy will return later.

PARTIAL TRANSCRIPT OF MY RECENT APPEARANCE ON ‘INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO’

James Lipton: Next was your appearance as Dame Judi Dench in the film “Berlin Alexanderplatz”.
Me: Umm…I was not in that. Also, I don’t think Judi Dench was a….
JL: I think there are a number of our students who would love to have a visit from Dame Judy…
Me: I didn’t play….
[crowd applauds]
Sigh. [in character] BEEP BOOP BOOP BEEP!
[crowd applauds wildly]
Thank you! This one….here. [points to Lipton] You forced me to it! You! [jokingly shakes finger at Lipton. Lipton covers face with hands and makes ‘peekaboo’ gesture.]
JL: Ahhhh!
Me: Eeee-ooooh!
JL: Wooooga!
Me: Gnip gnop!

JL: You played Senator Darth Vader in the TV series “The Mary Tyler Moore Show”.
Me: Not a lot of people know that! You’ve been doing your homework.
JL: Could we hear a little bit from Darth Vader?
Me: [old man voice]“I think I just pooped.”
JL: No, in the voice. The Senator Vader voice…
Me: [high pitched voice with southern accent] “I THINK I JUST POOPED.”
[applause from crowd]

JL: Next you were to appear in one of your most understated roles….that of the 16th Amendment to the United States Constitution in “Weekend at Bernies 2”
[applause of recognition]
Me: I find that I select the roles that force me to reach back into my childhood….find that little boy inside and ask him: where do you keep the brown rice? The answer always comes back through the him: it’s in one of those green canisters…the ones I got at Pier One.
JL: I think that little boy would be proud.
Me: Yes [tears up]. Yes, he would be.
JL: Or confused.
Me: Yes, very confused. Because he’s inside me. And I’m not that big. There’s no room. He’s screaming in my torso.
JL: [nods]

MC LINEAR THINKING

Ain’t no party like a Cone of Fear party. Because it’s not possible for another party to be *exactly* like a Cone of Fear party down to the sub-atomic level. Even if you duplicated the people, the place, all of the activities, through some fantastic cloning device, it would still diverge wildly due to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.

My rhymes are tight. That’s because I take the sound of the word at the end of one sentence and end my next sentence with a word with the same phoneme. It doesn’t have to be an exact match, though. You can fudge it a little bit, using your ear, and it’ll still work.

I’ve got mad bling. Why? I started saving at a very early age and put my money into a high-yield savings account. Now I put my savings into aggressive mutual funds. The salary from my job is pretty good, too, so I have quite a bit of money coming in.

Where my dogs at? They're in the backyard playing. I have a puggle and a chug.

Let’s get this party started. I will run to the store to pick up some beer and snacks. After that, I will call some friends over. Perhaps we will watch TV.

AIDS AND YOU: FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: Will you sign my cast “AIDS”?
A: Ahh…no, no that’s not….wait, you don’t have a cast…

Q: I have a laptop computer and I haven’t caught AIDS yet. Why is that?
A: Well [laughs], that’s not how….where did you get that idea? Who told you that?

Q: Isn’t it true that you can get AIDS from a box of spaghetti?
A: No, and no one – anywhere – believes that you can.

Q: Bob Newhart?
A: That is barely, *barely* a question.

Q: Sorry….Bob Newhart?
A: [staring intently for five minutes, picking at fingernails]

Q: Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! And yet, I’m a little teapot. How do you explain that?
A: You don’t know anything whatsoever.

Q: If AIDS is spelled with a capital “7”, why do we pronounce it “bananas”?
A: I can’t…I can’t even answer any question that uses any of the same words you just did…

Q: When I get AIDS, will I have to change my name to “Steve”?
A: If I could hit you in the eyes with hammers controlled by my brain, I would.

Q: AIDS is a disease, and yet Wednesday is double-stamp day at my coffeshop. Why?
A: Seriously, I want you to be sodomized with five large cars. And then I want to hit you with a bear.

Q: AIDS?
A: Just….yeah, just fuck you.

CARLOS MENCIA IS A VERY FUNNY MAN: A PLAY IN THREE ACTS

{Scene: a coffeeshop, midday. Mencia and a Barrista}

M: Hey Bubba! You got a wetback here wanting service!
B: Oh, I’m sorry….I was just helping someone el…
M: You gotta represent!
B: O…okay. I’m sorry I didn’t…
M: Give it up, Bubba!
B: Yeah….did you want some coffee?
M: Bubba and the wetback!
B: [staring]
M: Hey Bubba! You’re serving a wetback!
B: Could…could you stop yelling, please?
M: Wetbubba! Back back!
B: [goes back to cleaning espresso machine]
M: Back wet bub wet wet backy backy back!

{Scene: a bookstore. Mencia and a clerk]

C: Hi, can I help you?
M: Black people come from Africa!
C: Well, yeah, I mean, their ancestors…
M: That makes them African!
C: Umm, well, kinda, but not…
M: I said it, I said it! You white folks don’t wanna hear it, but I said it!
C: [confused] Oh….okay….

{Scene: outside a club in Los Angeles. Mencia and a fan}

F: Hey! Carlos Mencia! Man, I really love your stuff!
M: Dee-dee-dee!
F: Yeah! All right!
M: If you ain't laughin', you ain't livin.
F: Yeah! That’s cool.
M: Dee-dee-dee!
F: Heh heh….yeah.
M: Wetback!
F: Right, yeah, so…when’s your next show?
M: Doo doo!
F: Yeah….it’s funny when you do that.
M: Stooo-pid!
F: I can….go if this is a bad time.
M: Boo daa dee!
F: Uh-huh.

JOHN GRISHAM HAS NOTHING ON ME

Tinker Tailor Soldier Murder

This Little Piggy Went to Murder

A Slight Case of Murder in the Murdery

Monkey Murder, Monkey Murder

Godspeed! You Murder

The X-Files, with Scully and Murder

Murderfuck You

Serving Up Murder, Well-Murdered, With a Side Murder of Murder, All Covered in a Rich, Murder Murder. Serves Two, If They Are Murdered. Murder Added for Murders of Fifteen or More.

The Mill on the Floss. Murder.

BECAUSE I FOUND OUT HIS FIRST NAME WAS PELHAM

The Taking of PG Wodehouse 1-2-3

FUNNY OBSERVATIONAL HUMOR BLAH BLAH

Oh my god….you know how you get a song stuck in your head? I’ve TOTALLY had this song in my head all day. It’s that one that goes: “penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis"? It used to be on the radio all the time?

I AM NOT A DOCTOR

Me: What you’ll want to do is try and favor the other spleen.
Patient: Wait, what….what do you mean?
Me: (laughs) I know. But remember: there’s no “I” in “headrush”.
Patient: What the hell’s wrong with you? I’m just getting a blood test!
Me: There’s no “I” in “eyelid”.
Patient: (sighs) I don’t…wait, there is….I mean…
Me: There’s no “I” in “iiiiiiiiyeeeeeeeee”.
Patient: Excuse me…

Me: Hey, do you like the Muppets?
Patient: Umm…yeah, I guess so. Why?
Me: You have cancer.

Me: Fuck you.
Patient: What?!!
Me: Yeah, what’s with that? Anyway…can you cough for me? Good….

Me: [cries hysterically]
Patient: What? Are you okay?
Me: YOU DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHAT I’M ABOUT!
Patient: Umm….okay. Maybe…
Me: Hey! You wanna play some Ultimate?
Patient: [silent]

FUNNY OBSERVATIONAL HUMOR #4

This is kind of a quandry that I want to put to everyone: what do you do when a friend's six-week-old baby starts making racist comments? I know.....*awkward*....

[work in progress] I'M ON MY LAST NERVE WITH YOU

You did say the copy place on Maple, correct? You could not have meant Maple, as there is no copy place on Maple street anywhere. There was once….Swifty Copies was on Maple in the middle of the block, where a real estate office is now, but that hasn’t been there since 1997. Is this what you were thinking of? I do not think so, for that would means you would have confused past with present. Is that what you did? You were thinking it was 1997. It is not. It is 2007 and that is why you said the copy place on Maple. You are in the wrong time, or else you do not remember what time it is. If you want, I will tell you all of the events in the world from the past ten years. This will help you become acclimatized to the present.
But we’ll get to that later.
So you wanted me to pick up your order at “that” copy place supposedly on Maple….WITH the caveats I said previously. You understand that this is not possible anymore, correct? I can explain it to you again if you do not understand. It is not the year 1997 anymore, nor any year previous to that. How in this God’s Earth could I pick up your order at Swifty Copies when for the love of God it doesn’t exist anymore? Jesus Godamn Christ, you certainly make completely unreasonable requests.

[work in progress] WHY I DON'T WRITE SPAM ANYMORE

Want to give her more sexual pleasure? You can become the man you’ve always wanted to be. Increased penis size will give her more pleasure. Or it should. I guess it would at least contribute to her pleasure. I don’t know. I hear that most women say that penis size doesn’t matter. Well, not *length* so much…apparently width can make a big difference, which makes sense when you think about it. But of course the most important thing is *communication*! But, you know, the bigger penis couldn’t hurt.

Great investment opportunity! It’s true. Pioneer Vanguards is a fantastic investment future. Of course, any investment involves some risk. I mean, I can’t say for sure that you won’t lose money. I’m not a fortune teller! But it seems good…yeah, I think it’s pretty good. But geez….the market! So hard to predict….well, you can’t predict it. Or else everyone would be rich! Ha ha! Do you have money to spare for this? If you have extra money to risk, I think you should go for it.

Cum hungry nurses want to hear from you. Seriously, you should totally contact them. It’s so easy to think “oh, they’re so pretty and I bet they get hit on all the time, so I shouldn’t even try”. But you know, even pretty girls get lonely. And I could see where cum-hungry girls are maybe a little more lonely than most. Maybe they’re love hungry, too? I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t even know these girls. But I mean, what do you have to lose? Yeah, you should contact them. Oh, hey…can you do it through this email? I get some money every time someone does, so…you know. Thanks.

FUNNY OBSERVATIONAL HUMOR #3

When I say I support our troops, you know I just mean the white ones, right?

FUNNY OBSERVATIONAL HUMOR #2

I finally saw "Monster" this past weekend. It was truly moving and sad, and for all the hype about Charlize Theron's transformation, she really was superb. Oh! And the outtakes were hilllaaarrrious!

FUNNY OBSERVATIONAL HUMOR #1

I saw a picture of a pug today and thought it was really cute. This is a real change for me as I used to not find them cute at all. You know what this means, don't you? I'm not racist anymore.

SOME IDEAS I HAVE FOR NEW NETFLIX-LIKE BUSINESSES THAT CATER TO SPECIFIC DEMOGRAPHICS

Netdicks
Netchicks
Nethicks
Netmicks
Netbasqueseperatists

POTENTIAL SITCOM CATCH-PHRASES THAT I’M OFFERING FOR SALE TO ANY INTERESTED PRODUCERS:

“Shirley Bassey?!”
“Well happy birthday, Princess Banana!”
“I’m a-gonna rape-a you eyeballs!”
“Grover Cleveland was the only US president elected to two non-consecutive terms!”
“Hey-yo Rick Wakeman!”
“I am a lineman for the county!”
“Catherine-Zeta Boobies!”
“I’ll put MY penis in YOUR vagina! WITH permission!”
“Oh god! The baby! Not the baby!”
“Shave and a haircut, I pooed!”

THE FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN

1: Steve

2: Guy from the “Police Academy” movies who made noises with his mouth

3: Turns out….Hitler! Yeah, I know! Weird.

4: Guy who’s a friend of a buddy of mine…went to Florida State. Cool dude, BIG partier.

5: Yourself. It’s kind of a “The Prisoner” thing. Kind of fucked up.