PARTIAL TRANSCRIPT OF MY RECENT APPEARANCE ON ‘INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO’

James Lipton: Next was your appearance as Dame Judi Dench in the film “Berlin Alexanderplatz”.
Me: Umm…I was not in that. Also, I don’t think Judi Dench was a….
JL: I think there are a number of our students who would love to have a visit from Dame Judy…
Me: I didn’t play….
[crowd applauds]
Sigh. [in character] BEEP BOOP BOOP BEEP!
[crowd applauds wildly]
Thank you! This one….here. [points to Lipton] You forced me to it! You! [jokingly shakes finger at Lipton. Lipton covers face with hands and makes ‘peekaboo’ gesture.]
JL: Ahhhh!
Me: Eeee-ooooh!
JL: Wooooga!
Me: Gnip gnop!

JL: You played Senator Darth Vader in the TV series “The Mary Tyler Moore Show”.
Me: Not a lot of people know that! You’ve been doing your homework.
JL: Could we hear a little bit from Darth Vader?
Me: [old man voice]“I think I just pooped.”
JL: No, in the voice. The Senator Vader voice…
Me: [high pitched voice with southern accent] “I THINK I JUST POOPED.”
[applause from crowd]

JL: Next you were to appear in one of your most understated roles….that of the 16th Amendment to the United States Constitution in “Weekend at Bernies 2”
[applause of recognition]
Me: I find that I select the roles that force me to reach back into my childhood….find that little boy inside and ask him: where do you keep the brown rice? The answer always comes back through the him: it’s in one of those green canisters…the ones I got at Pier One.
JL: I think that little boy would be proud.
Me: Yes [tears up]. Yes, he would be.
JL: Or confused.
Me: Yes, very confused. Because he’s inside me. And I’m not that big. There’s no room. He’s screaming in my torso.
JL: [nods]