This may be removed later...this is the trailer for Paul Thomas Anderson's new movie "There Will Be Blood". I'm posting it because I think it's probably the finest trailer I've ever seen and posting it seems like the best reward I can give it.
Comedy will return later.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
PARTIAL TRANSCRIPT OF MY RECENT APPEARANCE ON ‘INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO’
James Lipton: Next was your appearance as Dame Judi Dench in the film “Berlin Alexanderplatz”.
Me: Umm…I was not in that. Also, I don’t think Judi Dench was a….
JL: I think there are a number of our students who would love to have a visit from Dame Judy…
Me: I didn’t play….
[crowd applauds]
Sigh. [in character] BEEP BOOP BOOP BEEP!
[crowd applauds wildly]
Thank you! This one….here. [points to Lipton] You forced me to it! You! [jokingly shakes finger at Lipton. Lipton covers face with hands and makes ‘peekaboo’ gesture.]
JL: Ahhhh!
Me: Eeee-ooooh!
JL: Wooooga!
Me: Gnip gnop!
JL: You played Senator Darth Vader in the TV series “The Mary Tyler Moore Show”.
Me: Not a lot of people know that! You’ve been doing your homework.
JL: Could we hear a little bit from Darth Vader?
Me: [old man voice]“I think I just pooped.”
JL: No, in the voice. The Senator Vader voice…
Me: [high pitched voice with southern accent] “I THINK I JUST POOPED.”
[applause from crowd]
JL: Next you were to appear in one of your most understated roles….that of the 16th Amendment to the United States Constitution in “Weekend at Bernies 2”
[applause of recognition]
Me: I find that I select the roles that force me to reach back into my childhood….find that little boy inside and ask him: where do you keep the brown rice? The answer always comes back through the him: it’s in one of those green canisters…the ones I got at Pier One.
JL: I think that little boy would be proud.
Me: Yes [tears up]. Yes, he would be.
JL: Or confused.
Me: Yes, very confused. Because he’s inside me. And I’m not that big. There’s no room. He’s screaming in my torso.
JL: [nods]
Me: Umm…I was not in that. Also, I don’t think Judi Dench was a….
JL: I think there are a number of our students who would love to have a visit from Dame Judy…
Me: I didn’t play….
[crowd applauds]
Sigh. [in character] BEEP BOOP BOOP BEEP!
[crowd applauds wildly]
Thank you! This one….here. [points to Lipton] You forced me to it! You! [jokingly shakes finger at Lipton. Lipton covers face with hands and makes ‘peekaboo’ gesture.]
JL: Ahhhh!
Me: Eeee-ooooh!
JL: Wooooga!
Me: Gnip gnop!
JL: You played Senator Darth Vader in the TV series “The Mary Tyler Moore Show”.
Me: Not a lot of people know that! You’ve been doing your homework.
JL: Could we hear a little bit from Darth Vader?
Me: [old man voice]“I think I just pooped.”
JL: No, in the voice. The Senator Vader voice…
Me: [high pitched voice with southern accent] “I THINK I JUST POOPED.”
[applause from crowd]
JL: Next you were to appear in one of your most understated roles….that of the 16th Amendment to the United States Constitution in “Weekend at Bernies 2”
[applause of recognition]
Me: I find that I select the roles that force me to reach back into my childhood….find that little boy inside and ask him: where do you keep the brown rice? The answer always comes back through the him: it’s in one of those green canisters…the ones I got at Pier One.
JL: I think that little boy would be proud.
Me: Yes [tears up]. Yes, he would be.
JL: Or confused.
Me: Yes, very confused. Because he’s inside me. And I’m not that big. There’s no room. He’s screaming in my torso.
JL: [nods]
Friday, July 13, 2007
MC LINEAR THINKING
Ain’t no party like a Cone of Fear party. Because it’s not possible for another party to be *exactly* like a Cone of Fear party down to the sub-atomic level. Even if you duplicated the people, the place, all of the activities, through some fantastic cloning device, it would still diverge wildly due to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.
My rhymes are tight. That’s because I take the sound of the word at the end of one sentence and end my next sentence with a word with the same phoneme. It doesn’t have to be an exact match, though. You can fudge it a little bit, using your ear, and it’ll still work.
I’ve got mad bling. Why? I started saving at a very early age and put my money into a high-yield savings account. Now I put my savings into aggressive mutual funds. The salary from my job is pretty good, too, so I have quite a bit of money coming in.
Where my dogs at? They're in the backyard playing. I have a puggle and a chug.
Let’s get this party started. I will run to the store to pick up some beer and snacks. After that, I will call some friends over. Perhaps we will watch TV.
My rhymes are tight. That’s because I take the sound of the word at the end of one sentence and end my next sentence with a word with the same phoneme. It doesn’t have to be an exact match, though. You can fudge it a little bit, using your ear, and it’ll still work.
I’ve got mad bling. Why? I started saving at a very early age and put my money into a high-yield savings account. Now I put my savings into aggressive mutual funds. The salary from my job is pretty good, too, so I have quite a bit of money coming in.
Where my dogs at? They're in the backyard playing. I have a puggle and a chug.
Let’s get this party started. I will run to the store to pick up some beer and snacks. After that, I will call some friends over. Perhaps we will watch TV.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
AIDS AND YOU: FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: Will you sign my cast “AIDS”?
A: Ahh…no, no that’s not….wait, you don’t have a cast…
Q: I have a laptop computer and I haven’t caught AIDS yet. Why is that?
A: Well [laughs], that’s not how….where did you get that idea? Who told you that?
Q: Isn’t it true that you can get AIDS from a box of spaghetti?
A: No, and no one – anywhere – believes that you can.
Q: Bob Newhart?
A: That is barely, *barely* a question.
Q: Sorry….Bob Newhart?
A: [staring intently for five minutes, picking at fingernails]
Q: Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! And yet, I’m a little teapot. How do you explain that?
A: You don’t know anything whatsoever.
Q: If AIDS is spelled with a capital “7”, why do we pronounce it “bananas”?
A: I can’t…I can’t even answer any question that uses any of the same words you just did…
Q: When I get AIDS, will I have to change my name to “Steve”?
A: If I could hit you in the eyes with hammers controlled by my brain, I would.
Q: AIDS is a disease, and yet Wednesday is double-stamp day at my coffeshop. Why?
A: Seriously, I want you to be sodomized with five large cars. And then I want to hit you with a bear.
Q: AIDS?
A: Just….yeah, just fuck you.
A: Ahh…no, no that’s not….wait, you don’t have a cast…
Q: I have a laptop computer and I haven’t caught AIDS yet. Why is that?
A: Well [laughs], that’s not how….where did you get that idea? Who told you that?
Q: Isn’t it true that you can get AIDS from a box of spaghetti?
A: No, and no one – anywhere – believes that you can.
Q: Bob Newhart?
A: That is barely, *barely* a question.
Q: Sorry….Bob Newhart?
A: [staring intently for five minutes, picking at fingernails]
Q: Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! And yet, I’m a little teapot. How do you explain that?
A: You don’t know anything whatsoever.
Q: If AIDS is spelled with a capital “7”, why do we pronounce it “bananas”?
A: I can’t…I can’t even answer any question that uses any of the same words you just did…
Q: When I get AIDS, will I have to change my name to “Steve”?
A: If I could hit you in the eyes with hammers controlled by my brain, I would.
Q: AIDS is a disease, and yet Wednesday is double-stamp day at my coffeshop. Why?
A: Seriously, I want you to be sodomized with five large cars. And then I want to hit you with a bear.
Q: AIDS?
A: Just….yeah, just fuck you.
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